


What Missing Emily Fields Means

by almostalwaysahermit



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Angst, F/F, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 10:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8323783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almostalwaysahermit/pseuds/almostalwaysahermit
Summary: Alison said that she missed Emily the most but never told her why.





	

 

“You said you missed me the most.”

A short pause followed as if to give way for the words themselves, to allow them to narrate the rest of what happened that day Alison saved Emily from choking on fumes inside an abandoned barn.

But these words were just words – nothing but a reply to something Alison said moments ago: “I bet you don’t remember what I said when I pulled you out of that barn.”

Of course Emily remembered and she said so, only getting as far as that one line that stuck with her from then – when Alison was supposed to be dead – until now, when she’s everything _but._

With still no response from Alison, this conversation was at a stand-still.

 _I missed her the most,_ Alison echoed in her thoughts. She blinked and she saw Emily do the same, probably waiting to know why this conversation came up in the first place. _“You missed me the most? What does that mean, Ali?”_ Emily’s eyes seemed to say.

“It means—” Alison caught herself after realizing that Emily hadn’t really asked her the question. “What I said to you… It means…”

 _Hesitation?_ Emily never knew Alison to be one who worried about her choice of words. She always said what was on her mind, and whether or not anyone liked what she said was never the point. She says them because she _can_.

Except now, it appeared that she couldn’t.

Alison pressed her lips together and breathed silently through her nose. _What the hell am I doing? She’s right here and I can’t—_ “I can’t tell her this.”

“Huh? Tell me what?”

 _Fuck_. So she somehow let one of her thoughts slip and they became words on their way out. Was she really going to do this? Tell Emily how she feels?

That missing Emily the most meant having to tell herself that she was okay being dead to the world as long as she could sneak into Emily’s room in the middle of the night, very much alive but having to pretend that she’s nothing more than a dream born out of Emily’s stress over the A-texts and the burning possibility that _Alison Dilaurentis_ could still be alive.

That missing Emily the most meant having to settle for glancing at her from afar – from behind trees, from just around the corner, from every place that she’s bound to get caught and recognized because she forgets the risk and she forgets to care whenever Emily comes into view. It was only at times when Emily was obviously intimate with someone else that she scampered away, not because she didn’t want to be seen but because she couldn’t stand the sight before her. She often wished Emily would turn her attention from whoever she was with and just look her way. Maybe then their eyes would meet and she would have no choice but to come out of hiding and let Emily know that she’s alright. Haggard and tired, and sorry for the mess she left behind, but alright nonetheless now that she and Emily could talk again.

How was she supposed to tell Emily all of this now?

That missing Emily the most meant betraying her sharp instinct for self-preservation.

That missing Emily the most brought her home.

“Ali? What’s wrong—”

Everything was wrong. Even this kiss that she forced on Emily, mid-sentence, was wrong. She shouldn’t have tried to tell Emily how she felt, how she had been feeling from before she went into hiding, all throughout her time on the run, until now.

Because, really, in the end, this would always be all that she could muster. A kiss out of the blue, entirely out of context, imposing and nowhere near apologetic for all the times that she did this exact same thing, leaving Emily questioning what went on between them.

But Emily never did ask her outright and this time was no different.

Alison fought the tightening in her throat and the sting in her eyes. She had no right to cry over this helplessness that she felt around Emily. She had no excuse for always choosing to prey on Emily’s confusion just so she could keep hers hidden. Not when she knew that Emily deserved an explanation once one of them pulls away, and that she could never give a decent one no matter the situation. _I’m a fucking coward._ She deepened the kiss, adamant on not giving Emily the chance to speak, much less to think.

She let her fingers press hard on Emily’s nape as she pulled her closer, leaving just enough room in between their lips to maneuver when needed and in anticipation for Emily’s tongue meeting hers. When it did, she almost froze, no longer familiar with the sensation, but Emily’s gentleness shone through seconds later and everything was okay again save for the growing guilt that gnawed at her insides. _You deserve so much better, Em._

Those words remained only in her thoughts, though, as she lost her breath faster than she expected despite being able to hold it for over a minute when she was younger, and when a moan escaped her somewhere in between the labored breaths, she felt Emily pull away. Still desperate to do away with the remnants of their conversation, she was quick to close the gap once more, her teeth colliding with Emily’s, causing a dull ache upon impact.

Whether Emily felt the same pain, Alison couldn’t tell in the midst of the now-hurried kisses with Emily leading and conquering like she had something to prove, doing away with the tenderness that she placed in the first few kisses. Alison gave in without a qualm, open to whatever Emily wanted to do with her as long as they didn’t have to talk about it right after or _whenever_.

It’s messed up and she knew it. Emily probably did, too.

“I missed you, Em,” Alison whispered to the air above them as her eyes fluttered closed when she felt Emily’s lips latch onto the skin of her neck, purposely bruising it to leave her mark. She didn’t get a response and she didn’t think she had any right to it.

When their lips met once more, without any words uttered or questions asked, she chose to keep it to herself a little while longer – that missing Emily the most meant wondering every second of her life until now why she was so terrified that she had fallen in love with her.

 

 


End file.
